It’s been a long time since I wrote anything faith-related on any of my websites. Why? Because I had no walk with the Lord. I never stopped calling myself a Christian. But it wasn’t something I brought up a lot. It felt hypocritical because I knew I wasn’t living for Him. If you’re a Christian who has ever been “backslidden” you know what I mean.
But I’ve been making my way back to the Lord. The journey hasn’t been perfect and I have still a long way to go, but it’s a start.
This post is simply to share my salvation testimony and a bit about my journey back to the Lord and what helped me along the way.
My Salvation Testimony
One Sunday morning after church when I was 6 years old, I saw my cousin at the altar. I asked my Mom what she was doing. Mom told me that Jennifer wanted to get saved. I said that I wanted to get saved too.
I remember going into a room with Ms. Juanita and her telling me about the free gift of Salvation. I got saved.
Or I thought I did.
When I was around 14 years old, I began to doubt my salvation. I couldn’t remember why I had wanted to get saved or much about the experience other than what I shared above.
And it was the not knowing why I had wanted to get saved that really bothered me. Did I only do it because my cousin had? Did I even understand what I was doing? I didn’t know.
But I did know that if I wasn’t saved, I would go to hell if I died. Or be left behind if the rapture happened. I went to bed crying every night.
I was too embarrassed to talk about it to anyone. What would people think? (This seems so silly to me now, but at 14 it was a big deal.)
One night, I couldn’t take it anymore. I found my Mom in the kitchen and told her what was going on. We knelt together there in the kitchen. I told God I was a sinner and that I accepted Jesus as my Saviour and what He did for me on the cross as payment for my sins.
There was a relief. But also still doubts. Once I had let them in. They wouldn’t go away.
It was silly things like maybe my prayer wasn’t good enough or did I have the right feelings. It’s not the prayer that saves you – it’s Jesus Christ. And feelings can’t be trusted. I told myself that over and over, but it didn’t help.
If you have ever doubted your salvation you know what a miserable, lonely place I was in.
And I had no reason to doubt. My church teaches eternal security. I believed in eternal security. But it was my own insecurities causing my doubts.
Looking back now, I can see that the reason I had so many doubts was that I was embarrassed of my testimony and I hadn’t told anyone other than my parents and sister.
I was worried that people would judge me for making a profession of faith when I was 6 years old that wasn’t real. Again, as an adult I know that is silly. No one would have judged me. They would have rejoiced that a sinner was saved and had found peace.
At youth camp one summer, I finally shared my testimony. And you know what? The doubts stopped. I have never doubted my salvation again. Finally getting over my embarrassment allowed me to have peace.
And I began to grow as a Christian. Because you see, if you are having doubts about salvation, you can’t grow. I was stuck in a state of limbo for years but finally, I was growing and learning (and understanding) more about The Lord and His Word.
I wanted to do something for Him. I didn’t know what but that was my heart’s desire. The Lord, His Word, and Church were the most important things in my life.
But somewhere along the way that changed.
I can’t pinpoint when. My late 20s maybe? This is part of the problem. As Christians, we’re commanded to be circumspect and I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t notice that the things of God that were once so important to me were becoming less and less a priority.
And before I knew it, it had been years since I read my Bible or went to church. I still prayed but only when I needed something. I had no walk with the Lord. And worse, didn’t really care.
It’s a little like being on a raft out on the ocean. You’re floating around, not paying attention and suddenly you look up and the shore is really far away and you have no idea how you got where you are. That was me.
Business Goals and Learning I still Wanted God Around
In 2017, I started my own business and in 2018 I was taking a 5-day goal planning course for 2019. One of the modules asked that you write out what your ideal life looked like. So I did.
And in writing out things like being in charge of my own schedule and being able to travel the world, I wrote that Rex and I were going to church together. That we were involved in the church. That I prayed and read my Bible every day.
I remember being surprised by this.
But there buried underneath years of neglect and busyness was my soul saying it wanted to be fed. It was worn and weary and wanted to go home.
I didn’t take immediate action on this new revelation. In fact, I mostly forgot about it as I continued to build my business. I was working 6 to 7 days a week at that time and didn’t think I had time for anything else.
In 2019, I went to a small retreat with some other Christian women with their own online businesses. That time of fellowship with them, made me miss church and want to go back even more.
Covid 19 and The German Shepherd
2020 was a terrible year. We can all agree on that.
But one good thing did happen to me that year and that was that I retired from Walmart and went full-time in my business.
I thought now that I’m retired and no longer working weekends, I can get back in church. Well, the lockdowns happened and I didn’t.
Instead, I worked all the time and developed bad habits regarding my business and boundaries within my business. I nearly burnt myself out.
I wanted 2021 to be different. And it was. Thanks to a German Shepherd named Riker.
I hated him at first. Well, I hated the disruption he bought to my life. Rex wanted another dog, not me. But I didn’t say that. How could I deny Rex a fur companion when I had my Buffy?! It wouldn’t be right. We dealt with several behavioral issues, that made life miserable for a while, but underneath it, I could see a good dog, who just needed Rex and me to be patient.
I could also see that Riker was forcing me to create better habits and get out of the rut that 2020 put me in.
You see Buffy was content to let me sleep as late as I wanted every day. Not Riker. He got me up early every day. Usually around the same time too. After finally accepting that was how it was going to be and that I could no longer sleep as late as I wanted, I started to create a morning routine.
And after a while of being consistent in my routine, I remembered that old business planning session where I said I wanted to pray and read my Bible every day. It was like I could hear the Lord saying, “So why aren’t you doing that now? You said it was what you wanted.”
And He was right! I had no excuses now.
So I started reading my Bible and praying every morning. I set a goal of 3 chapters a day so that I could read my Bible through in a year.
I wasn’t perfect in it and there were times I missed but this time alone with just me and The Lord was something I looked forward to every morning. I was able to finish reading my Bible through in just under a year. And once I finished, I started again.
At the end of 2021, I started setting my goals for 2022 and one of them was to get back in church.
Again, I got busy and forgot about it for a while, but the Lord reminded me of my goal.
And on Easter Sunday, I went to church for the first time in many years. Possibly 10 or more. I felt strange and awkward on the drive there. Wishing that I had asked to ride with my Sister or my Dad. But I knew that this was something I needed to do on my own.
I needed to walk through those doors on my own.
And it wasn’t strange or awkward once I got there. I was simply home.
God’s Faithfulness
Looking back through all my years of running and unfaithfulness, I can see that God was always faithful.
I can see His faithfulness in the Christian husband He gave me.
I can see it in the business He has given me. The clients He has sent my way. The times money was tight and He provided for us. The dog He sent to wake me up every morning.
He was always there. Waiting for me to turn to Him.
When I was reading the book of Philemon, I saw myself for the first time in Onesimus. (And maybe I had before, as the picture is a very clear one to any Christian, but I don’t remember.) But this time I knew, that the unfaithful servant was me.
And The Lord showed me that I can still be profitable to Him.
Even after all my running, He could still use me.
It is my prayer that He does.
What you can take away
If you come away with anything from my testimony, I hope it is this.
- You can know that you are saved. Don’t live in fear and doubt. 1 John 5:13 says, “These things I have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God.”
- God is faithful. He won’t turn His back on you. 2 Chronicles 30:9b, ” … for the LORD your God is gracious and merciful, and will not turn away his face from you, if ye return unto him.”
